My dryer is broken. It has been for several weeks.The one appliance repairman here (who came out of retirement because no one else is around) has been here. He managed to get the dryer running again, but hasn't figured out how to keep it running. He'll be back when he has answers.
Anyway, it has been a good thing for me, now that it's spring and getting warm and windy out. It's actually kept me a little more organized that usual. One or two loads a day keeps us on top of things. There is only so much room on the line outside. But it does make me wonder how we can always have one or two loads a day. I used to spend all day on the weekends doing laundry load after load because we let it all pile up during the week. Now I'm keeping it up to date by doing it daily (or almost daily) but as soon as I get all the baskets empty, someone inevitably throws something in there again.
My oldest is doing his own laundry now. It's helpful. My youngest three haven't quite started yet, but it's in the works. My husband will do a load if it's desparate, but his level of tolerance for wearing smelly clothes is way higher than mine, so I inevitably just do his clothes myself.
I tried doing the math yesterday. The answer to the problem is six, I suppose.
Six pairs of underwear a day.
6 pairs of socks a day.
6 napkins a day.
6 placemats (though I bought a set of vinyl ones that can be washed when the table is wiped... why'd I take so long to figure that out? Now we can give the sadly wearing out cloth ones a break)
At least 6 towels a week (more because I myself use two per shower) and more than that if they find their way into the bedrooms and don't get hung up for reuse.
Several face cloths a week.
5 sets of sheets every week or two
Blankets that seem to always smell like the dog.
And then all the pants and shirts that sometimes can be worn more than once, sometimes not...
So, that equals, at a conservative estimate, 6,000 pieces of laundry per week. I have almost 200 clothespins, and sometimes that isn't always enough for the day.
Conclusion:
I don't have too much laundry, I have too much family.
Thursday 9 May 2019
Thursday 7 March 2019
My house is a perpetual mess and I am here full-time to deal with it.
I used to have a lot of energy and motivation. I worked full-time and spent my evenings and weekends taking care of my children and family. Saturdays and Sundays were marathon laundry and housework sessions and then it was back to routine during the week. I have been off work for the past 15 months (almost) and probably will not be returning any time soon, and I feel like I should have all the time in the world to live in a tidy, clean, welcoming home.
But I don't. Or I do, but I don't want to. I have no routine during the day and no ability to stick to one. I miss the constant busyness that was me before I got sick. I miss having energy and a mental checklist of things that need to be done to survive the work week. I'm restless, unmotivated, and tired all the time. I enjoyed my career. And I was good at it. And I grieve the loss of it and how it shaped my identity.I have yet to make peace with that.
Now I am essentially a stay-at-home Mom and homemaker. But I haven't been able to embrace that as the opportunity it really is, because I'm still stuck in self-pity mode. And so I never really accomplish anything that makes me feel a sense of pride. I start projects but don't finish them. I will do six loads of laundry in a day but take a week to fold them. I will make a really good supper, or a crappy one, then let the dishes sit on the counter for few days because I can't fathom unloading the dishwasher. I will clean the toilet. And then someone goes in there and uses it. (I know, that one is irrational).
And yes, I know that my family should be stepping up and helping me out. And my kids will, if I ask. But the energy it takes to ask people to "help"me is also more than I can comprehend. Because then everyone (including the husband who has lived with me for twenty years) will ask, "where does this go?" and eventually I just want to tell them to get lost so I can do it myself because supervising their housework is more mentally exhausting that just doing it myself. And I resent it when I have to ask day after day after day for people to clean messes that, apparently, only I can see.
I'm kind of toxic right now. I know I need to do things around here. But I don't care. Or have the energy. And I know I have a bad attitude because yesterday the hallway light burned out and I told it to "Go you-know-what itself." It's still dark in the hallway. No one reads there. I think I'll wait and see how long it takes my husband to notice. The kids just got over being sick and the vomit smell in the girls' room seems to be gone, or I've gotten used to it. So then I had to add all her bedding and half her toys to the laundry pile I was already trying to tackle. Of course, I dumped the almost full bottle of laundry soap on the laundry room floor. Luckily there was a lot of dirty clothing to sop it up with. This week's laundry smells insanely fresh! I spent all day yesterday folding laundry into organized piles on the living room floor only to find them all smooshed together (yeah, that's a word) in one big pile in the middle of the floor after my helpful six-year-old came home. So instead of being able to say, "Here is YOUR laundry, go put it away," I had to say, "well, there is some of your laundry, and there is some more over there, and there is a bit under your brother's pile... oh never mind, I will do it myself."
Ugh. How do other people do it?
Today I'm going to clean the kitchen. Only to have to turn around and make dinner and do it all over again after the kids come home. Does anyone else appreciate the utter futility in that? I would like to clean something and watch it stay clean. For at least a day. So I can move on to something else.
Looking for inspiration that doesn't come by the name of Flylady or Marie Kondo, I just ordered this book off of Amazon.
I look forward to it's unflinching, unapologetic motivational tips.
Now I have to go UnF*ck my kitchen. Or at the very least, my attitude.
But I don't. Or I do, but I don't want to. I have no routine during the day and no ability to stick to one. I miss the constant busyness that was me before I got sick. I miss having energy and a mental checklist of things that need to be done to survive the work week. I'm restless, unmotivated, and tired all the time. I enjoyed my career. And I was good at it. And I grieve the loss of it and how it shaped my identity.I have yet to make peace with that.
Now I am essentially a stay-at-home Mom and homemaker. But I haven't been able to embrace that as the opportunity it really is, because I'm still stuck in self-pity mode. And so I never really accomplish anything that makes me feel a sense of pride. I start projects but don't finish them. I will do six loads of laundry in a day but take a week to fold them. I will make a really good supper, or a crappy one, then let the dishes sit on the counter for few days because I can't fathom unloading the dishwasher. I will clean the toilet. And then someone goes in there and uses it. (I know, that one is irrational).
And yes, I know that my family should be stepping up and helping me out. And my kids will, if I ask. But the energy it takes to ask people to "help"me is also more than I can comprehend. Because then everyone (including the husband who has lived with me for twenty years) will ask, "where does this go?" and eventually I just want to tell them to get lost so I can do it myself because supervising their housework is more mentally exhausting that just doing it myself. And I resent it when I have to ask day after day after day for people to clean messes that, apparently, only I can see.
I'm kind of toxic right now. I know I need to do things around here. But I don't care. Or have the energy. And I know I have a bad attitude because yesterday the hallway light burned out and I told it to "Go you-know-what itself." It's still dark in the hallway. No one reads there. I think I'll wait and see how long it takes my husband to notice. The kids just got over being sick and the vomit smell in the girls' room seems to be gone, or I've gotten used to it. So then I had to add all her bedding and half her toys to the laundry pile I was already trying to tackle. Of course, I dumped the almost full bottle of laundry soap on the laundry room floor. Luckily there was a lot of dirty clothing to sop it up with. This week's laundry smells insanely fresh! I spent all day yesterday folding laundry into organized piles on the living room floor only to find them all smooshed together (yeah, that's a word) in one big pile in the middle of the floor after my helpful six-year-old came home. So instead of being able to say, "Here is YOUR laundry, go put it away," I had to say, "well, there is some of your laundry, and there is some more over there, and there is a bit under your brother's pile... oh never mind, I will do it myself."
Ugh. How do other people do it?
Today I'm going to clean the kitchen. Only to have to turn around and make dinner and do it all over again after the kids come home. Does anyone else appreciate the utter futility in that? I would like to clean something and watch it stay clean. For at least a day. So I can move on to something else.
Looking for inspiration that doesn't come by the name of Flylady or Marie Kondo, I just ordered this book off of Amazon.
I look forward to it's unflinching, unapologetic motivational tips.
Now I have to go UnF*ck my kitchen. Or at the very least, my attitude.
Thursday 13 December 2018
How to be a Mom...
Here's what I'm thinking. My husband has NO clue what it is like to live in the brain of a Mom. The things that keep me up at night, he blissfully sleeps through. I take care of the "management" of this family. I remember the kids' likes and dislikes (no, Brooklynn does not like mayo on her sandwich, how do you not know that yet?), I remember their schedules, I pay our bills and do our banking, I notice when we are on the last roll of toilet paper, I see grubby handprints all over the windows and light switches, I know that my kids are due for their eye exams and that their dentist appointments are next week, I remember how overdue we are for an oil change and I notice when we're almost driving on fumes, I know when the kids are on their last pair of socks and we'd better tackle the pile in the laundry room, I send out Christmas cards and wrap all the gifts, I plan the meals beyond his repertoire - frozen pizza, Subway, sandwiches, and mac and cheese... I know things behind the scenes that my husband doesn't seem to. Or is quite happy to remain oblivious to because they magically get taken care of. I have this constantly whirring Mom computer racing through my head that keeps track of this crap so that my husband doesn't have to. But suddenly, I feel like I need to let him into my brain. Because I honestly don't have room in my there right now for all the things that used to fit. I'm slipping in the Momanager department and need to help him step up and shine.
I quizzed him this morning. I need to start downloading my constantly whirring to-do list brain into his, so I thought I'd run a few basic knowledge questions by him.
What time does Sparks start?
- 5:30 - Well, wrong, it starts at 6, but at least if you go then you'll be early for the meetings.
What time does the kids' bell ring after school?"
- 3:05 - wrong, 2:53, but that was pretty close. I'll give you that one. Unless you have to pick them up. Then show up at 2:53 so they're not the last kids on the playground.
How do you register the girls for Girl Guides every September?
- Umm...phone Phoebe. She'll tell me how. LOL Okay, I'll give him that one, that would work.
How much did it cost to sign Connor up for Scouts this year?
- Too much. Okay, I'll give him that one, too!
What's the password for our email? Or hydro bill. Or Telus bill... or etc, because darnit, each password has to be slightly different.
- I don't know. I just pull up the email and it's saved on there. Maybe you should write that one down for me.
Who's our mortgage broker?
- The lady on the billboard. (Okay half points for that one)
And how do you get a hold of her?
- Drive to the billboard and copy down her number. (Alright, fine... I'll give him that, too)
Etc. etc.
He argued after the quiz, "See, we'd survive..."
Okay, I'll give him that,too. Yes, they'll survive. But I want them to thrive. And what I am learning that by micromanaging our marriage and family life for the past twenty years, is that I have actually done my husband a disservice. He has no clue what he is in for if I'm not around for the next 13 years to parent all of my kids through to adulthood. So, while I fully intend to fight this crap diagnosis until my body falls apart, there is a bit of a shift that needs to happen around here as a "just in case," because being a single dad to four kids is going to be the biggest slap in the face my husband has ever received.
So... I think I'm going to write him a manual. Of all things that I want him to know about running a household without me. Starting with easy stuff like, "where do I keep our will?" and "What's our online banking password," and "where would you find the kids' Care Cards and SIN numbers?" and "Where is the hot water shut off valve," and all of those things about this house that I selfishly have kept to myself. But not until January, because it's Christmas and that's another busy Mom time that I can't seem to delegate. (Picture my husband trying to be helpful with the duct-tape and Christmas bags - I am not joking, he goes through a lot of duct tape at Christmas trying to wrap gifts - and me rolling my eyes and saying, "Here, let me wrap that, you aren't doing it right..." instead of hand over hand showing him how the rest of the world wraps a gift)
It's not a novel, but it is a project. And it could be really enlightening and fun to do. I can picture it now, a giant binder with lovely colour coded dividers emblazoned with a clever title page like "How to be a Dad with a Mom Brain", or something like that. And 12 years from now, when I've beaten the odds and we stand there seeing our youngest off to University together, at least I'll know that I stopped assuming I have to keep track of everything and that it's okay to let some things go.
Now... where do I keep the binders?
I quizzed him this morning. I need to start downloading my constantly whirring to-do list brain into his, so I thought I'd run a few basic knowledge questions by him.
What time does Sparks start?
- 5:30 - Well, wrong, it starts at 6, but at least if you go then you'll be early for the meetings.
What time does the kids' bell ring after school?"
- 3:05 - wrong, 2:53, but that was pretty close. I'll give you that one. Unless you have to pick them up. Then show up at 2:53 so they're not the last kids on the playground.
How do you register the girls for Girl Guides every September?
- Umm...phone Phoebe. She'll tell me how. LOL Okay, I'll give him that one, that would work.
How much did it cost to sign Connor up for Scouts this year?
- Too much. Okay, I'll give him that one, too!
What's the password for our email? Or hydro bill. Or Telus bill... or etc, because darnit, each password has to be slightly different.
- I don't know. I just pull up the email and it's saved on there. Maybe you should write that one down for me.
Who's our mortgage broker?
- The lady on the billboard. (Okay half points for that one)
And how do you get a hold of her?
- Drive to the billboard and copy down her number. (Alright, fine... I'll give him that, too)
Etc. etc.
He argued after the quiz, "See, we'd survive..."
Okay, I'll give him that,too. Yes, they'll survive. But I want them to thrive. And what I am learning that by micromanaging our marriage and family life for the past twenty years, is that I have actually done my husband a disservice. He has no clue what he is in for if I'm not around for the next 13 years to parent all of my kids through to adulthood. So, while I fully intend to fight this crap diagnosis until my body falls apart, there is a bit of a shift that needs to happen around here as a "just in case," because being a single dad to four kids is going to be the biggest slap in the face my husband has ever received.
So... I think I'm going to write him a manual. Of all things that I want him to know about running a household without me. Starting with easy stuff like, "where do I keep our will?" and "What's our online banking password," and "where would you find the kids' Care Cards and SIN numbers?" and "Where is the hot water shut off valve," and all of those things about this house that I selfishly have kept to myself. But not until January, because it's Christmas and that's another busy Mom time that I can't seem to delegate. (Picture my husband trying to be helpful with the duct-tape and Christmas bags - I am not joking, he goes through a lot of duct tape at Christmas trying to wrap gifts - and me rolling my eyes and saying, "Here, let me wrap that, you aren't doing it right..." instead of hand over hand showing him how the rest of the world wraps a gift)
It's not a novel, but it is a project. And it could be really enlightening and fun to do. I can picture it now, a giant binder with lovely colour coded dividers emblazoned with a clever title page like "How to be a Dad with a Mom Brain", or something like that. And 12 years from now, when I've beaten the odds and we stand there seeing our youngest off to University together, at least I'll know that I stopped assuming I have to keep track of everything and that it's okay to let some things go.
Now... where do I keep the binders?
Tuesday 4 December 2018
Random thoughts
So, much negativity, I thought maybe, while I'm feeling good, I'd update with a positive post.
Most exciting thing that happened today... my doctor has given me the go ahead to add salt to EVERYTHING! How often do you hear that from a medical professional? Yay!
What else is good?
My Christmas cards are done. My parcels are mailed. My tree is up and decorated. And the outside lights are lit. My shopping is about half done. One more day in the city should do it. I'm feeling like this is going to be a WAY better Christmas than last year. I've set the bar pretty low, I just have to stay out of the hospital to achieve that.
I've started actually using my to do lists and for the most part, the housework is under control. I'm still falling asleep on the couch during the day, but I've stopped beating myself up over it. A little bit of snoozing, a little bit of housework, a menu plan, drive the kids all over town from activity to activity, and then do it all over again the next day... I MIGHT be getting the hang of this "stay at home Mom" gig, finally.
The last couple of weeks were tough, physically. I ended up getting so dehydrated that my chemo was cancelled. So, I'm doing it tomorrow instead. Now I wish I hadn't enthusiastically written chemo in my planner in ink over the next couple of months because the cycle is a week off now and my beautiful planner has stuff crossed out in it. Still, now that I'm rehydrated, I'm feeling decent. And because I'm prone to dehydration on chemo, my doctor said to have as much salt as I want. Hah!
As for NaNoWriMo... well, I wrote just over 30,000 words. I didn't make it to 50K like I had intended. My last chemo cycle kicked my ass (literally) and I didn't have the energy to keep plugging away at a story I wasn't all that invested in. It's 30K words of fluff. It wasn't really heading anywhere. There is potential, but it really needs an outline. Ordinarily I'd be beating myself up for not "winning" this November, but I gave myself permission to walk away from the story and once I'd decided to fail, I stayed away from the story so that I wouldn't be tempted by it. I may take another look at it later, but not until the new year. One thing I did get out of the experience was that I can write while my kids are at school and enjoy the experience. So in January, after the holidays, I'm going to set a goal of writing and revising my novels at least three times a week. It'll keep me busy between chemo treatments and keep my mind active.
So, that's me. I'm going to make the best of this illness and assume that the chemo is going to buy me many years. Because that's how long my to do list is, years --- 8 novel drafts, umpteen unfinished scrapbooks, tons of unused wool to crochet, and most importantly, four kids to see grow up. So, I'm out of my funk and moving on... during the daylight hours, at least. Can't promise that the 3am insomniac me is going to be in the same space. But I'm going to try.
Most exciting thing that happened today... my doctor has given me the go ahead to add salt to EVERYTHING! How often do you hear that from a medical professional? Yay!
What else is good?
My Christmas cards are done. My parcels are mailed. My tree is up and decorated. And the outside lights are lit. My shopping is about half done. One more day in the city should do it. I'm feeling like this is going to be a WAY better Christmas than last year. I've set the bar pretty low, I just have to stay out of the hospital to achieve that.
I've started actually using my to do lists and for the most part, the housework is under control. I'm still falling asleep on the couch during the day, but I've stopped beating myself up over it. A little bit of snoozing, a little bit of housework, a menu plan, drive the kids all over town from activity to activity, and then do it all over again the next day... I MIGHT be getting the hang of this "stay at home Mom" gig, finally.
The last couple of weeks were tough, physically. I ended up getting so dehydrated that my chemo was cancelled. So, I'm doing it tomorrow instead. Now I wish I hadn't enthusiastically written chemo in my planner in ink over the next couple of months because the cycle is a week off now and my beautiful planner has stuff crossed out in it. Still, now that I'm rehydrated, I'm feeling decent. And because I'm prone to dehydration on chemo, my doctor said to have as much salt as I want. Hah!
As for NaNoWriMo... well, I wrote just over 30,000 words. I didn't make it to 50K like I had intended. My last chemo cycle kicked my ass (literally) and I didn't have the energy to keep plugging away at a story I wasn't all that invested in. It's 30K words of fluff. It wasn't really heading anywhere. There is potential, but it really needs an outline. Ordinarily I'd be beating myself up for not "winning" this November, but I gave myself permission to walk away from the story and once I'd decided to fail, I stayed away from the story so that I wouldn't be tempted by it. I may take another look at it later, but not until the new year. One thing I did get out of the experience was that I can write while my kids are at school and enjoy the experience. So in January, after the holidays, I'm going to set a goal of writing and revising my novels at least three times a week. It'll keep me busy between chemo treatments and keep my mind active.
So, that's me. I'm going to make the best of this illness and assume that the chemo is going to buy me many years. Because that's how long my to do list is, years --- 8 novel drafts, umpteen unfinished scrapbooks, tons of unused wool to crochet, and most importantly, four kids to see grow up. So, I'm out of my funk and moving on... during the daylight hours, at least. Can't promise that the 3am insomniac me is going to be in the same space. But I'm going to try.
Wednesday 31 October 2018
Twenty-three minutes to go...
...until November!
Hell yeah! Time to get off my ass and do something for myself. Writing makes me feel good. So, I'm going to treat this as a job and while the kids are at school, I'm going to set aside some time every morning for me! Just to write. I signed up for Nanowrimo and have done it every year since 2009 and I have 7 unfinished novels sitting on my computer. Some are really good, some are kind of crap. Two are almost complete, the other 5 need a lot of work. But each one was so much fun to write. And who knows, maybe this will be the kickstart I need to develop a healthy, daily writing habit. If I can't go back to work, I should be writing instead.
So, Nanowrimo 2018, despite my funky mood, why not! Time to focus on something lighter for a change. I've got a tiny morsel of a plot idea. Let's see where it goes.
30 days
50,000 words
Unfinished draft #8, here I come!
Yay November... next to Christmas, my favourite time of year!
Hell yeah! Time to get off my ass and do something for myself. Writing makes me feel good. So, I'm going to treat this as a job and while the kids are at school, I'm going to set aside some time every morning for me! Just to write. I signed up for Nanowrimo and have done it every year since 2009 and I have 7 unfinished novels sitting on my computer. Some are really good, some are kind of crap. Two are almost complete, the other 5 need a lot of work. But each one was so much fun to write. And who knows, maybe this will be the kickstart I need to develop a healthy, daily writing habit. If I can't go back to work, I should be writing instead.
So, Nanowrimo 2018, despite my funky mood, why not! Time to focus on something lighter for a change. I've got a tiny morsel of a plot idea. Let's see where it goes.
30 days
50,000 words
Unfinished draft #8, here I come!
Yay November... next to Christmas, my favourite time of year!
Friday 26 October 2018
Not so random thought...
I've had a poor attitude this week. Dwelling on the negative instead of embracing the positive. However, after an uniterrupted solid 8 hours sleep in which my brain actually shut down and let me rest, I'm in good head space today. I'm up, I'm showered, I've put a load of laundry in and I'm about to tackle the breakfast dishes. I feel like I've turned a bit of a corner. For today, at least.
But here's what I'm thinking.
My forties haven't been stellar, so far. And neither have the thirties or forties of some of my friends. Or the fifties and sixties of some of my family. A couple have gotten divorced. One has seen her spouse incarcarated. One is dealing with MS. Some are dealing with depression. One is on dialysis waiting for someone else to die so that he has a shot at life. And then there is the c-word. Cancer. I'm constantly amazed by how many of us are actually fighting for our lives. There is actually a lot of cancer in my family and my community. I keep meeting survivors. And fighters. And people that didn't make it as long as they would have liked. And it's sobering but also inspiring. But this week I've been focussed just on me. I'm not often self-absorbed, but this was the week for me. My pity party. I have incurable cancer. I am fighting for my life. And I'm determined to beat that diagnosis for as long as possible.
But why the hell should I have to?
We are all good people. I surround myself with good people. My friends and family are solid, lovely, good people. We've tried to live lives that, while not perfect, are pretty decent. We have good kids, supportive families, and solid friendships. And life has spat on us. Or shat on us. Whichever visual you prefer. And I can't help but wonder why. Why me? Why her? Why him? Whose ironic crap shoot dealt me this hand? Why not someone else for a change? Quit crapping on us, we're only so tough!
And then there are other people. Colossally arrogant, abusive, racist, downright lousy people. And they get to be in charge of the United States of America. How about sending a little shower of crap their way instead. Karma doesn't really seem to make sense right now. Just a random thought...
But here's what I'm thinking.
My forties haven't been stellar, so far. And neither have the thirties or forties of some of my friends. Or the fifties and sixties of some of my family. A couple have gotten divorced. One has seen her spouse incarcarated. One is dealing with MS. Some are dealing with depression. One is on dialysis waiting for someone else to die so that he has a shot at life. And then there is the c-word. Cancer. I'm constantly amazed by how many of us are actually fighting for our lives. There is actually a lot of cancer in my family and my community. I keep meeting survivors. And fighters. And people that didn't make it as long as they would have liked. And it's sobering but also inspiring. But this week I've been focussed just on me. I'm not often self-absorbed, but this was the week for me. My pity party. I have incurable cancer. I am fighting for my life. And I'm determined to beat that diagnosis for as long as possible.
But why the hell should I have to?
We are all good people. I surround myself with good people. My friends and family are solid, lovely, good people. We've tried to live lives that, while not perfect, are pretty decent. We have good kids, supportive families, and solid friendships. And life has spat on us. Or shat on us. Whichever visual you prefer. And I can't help but wonder why. Why me? Why her? Why him? Whose ironic crap shoot dealt me this hand? Why not someone else for a change? Quit crapping on us, we're only so tough!
And then there are other people. Colossally arrogant, abusive, racist, downright lousy people. And they get to be in charge of the United States of America. How about sending a little shower of crap their way instead. Karma doesn't really seem to make sense right now. Just a random thought...
Saturday 20 October 2018
Fighting again
So... after three weeks of uncertainty, I am officially fighting again. Started chemo, plan B this week. And I am exhausted! Which is hopeful because it feels like my body is again doing something.
Last round of chemo was Folfox (flourouracil, leukovorin, and oxiliplatin). It was considered "curative." Needless to say, it failed me. This round of chemo is GIFFIRB (Flourouracil - or 5FU cause that's funnier - Leukovorin, Irinotecan, and Bevacuzamib - or Avastin) and is considered Palliative. The intention is not to cure, as this is considered incurable at that point, but to slow the growth of the new tumours and keep me comfortable for as long as my body will tolerate it. And since you all know how stubborn I can be... ;)
A bit of downer, yes. But no one has given me an expiry date and I have way to much on my plate to not assume that I'm going to be round for a few years yet, so here's to cocktail #2 being more successful than cocktail #1. If the fatigue I felt yesterday after disconnect is any sign, my body is going to fight this on overtime!
5FUs to you, cancer!
Last round of chemo was Folfox (flourouracil, leukovorin, and oxiliplatin). It was considered "curative." Needless to say, it failed me. This round of chemo is GIFFIRB (Flourouracil - or 5FU cause that's funnier - Leukovorin, Irinotecan, and Bevacuzamib - or Avastin) and is considered Palliative. The intention is not to cure, as this is considered incurable at that point, but to slow the growth of the new tumours and keep me comfortable for as long as my body will tolerate it. And since you all know how stubborn I can be... ;)
A bit of downer, yes. But no one has given me an expiry date and I have way to much on my plate to not assume that I'm going to be round for a few years yet, so here's to cocktail #2 being more successful than cocktail #1. If the fatigue I felt yesterday after disconnect is any sign, my body is going to fight this on overtime!
5FUs to you, cancer!
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