But I don't. Or I do, but I don't want to. I have no routine during the day and no ability to stick to one. I miss the constant busyness that was me before I got sick. I miss having energy and a mental checklist of things that need to be done to survive the work week. I'm restless, unmotivated, and tired all the time. I enjoyed my career. And I was good at it. And I grieve the loss of it and how it shaped my identity.I have yet to make peace with that.
Now I am essentially a stay-at-home Mom and homemaker. But I haven't been able to embrace that as the opportunity it really is, because I'm still stuck in self-pity mode. And so I never really accomplish anything that makes me feel a sense of pride. I start projects but don't finish them. I will do six loads of laundry in a day but take a week to fold them. I will make a really good supper, or a crappy one, then let the dishes sit on the counter for few days because I can't fathom unloading the dishwasher. I will clean the toilet. And then someone goes in there and uses it. (I know, that one is irrational).
And yes, I know that my family should be stepping up and helping me out. And my kids will, if I ask. But the energy it takes to ask people to "help"me is also more than I can comprehend. Because then everyone (including the husband who has lived with me for twenty years) will ask, "where does this go?" and eventually I just want to tell them to get lost so I can do it myself because supervising their housework is more mentally exhausting that just doing it myself. And I resent it when I have to ask day after day after day for people to clean messes that, apparently, only I can see.
I'm kind of toxic right now. I know I need to do things around here. But I don't care. Or have the energy. And I know I have a bad attitude because yesterday the hallway light burned out and I told it to "Go you-know-what itself." It's still dark in the hallway. No one reads there. I think I'll wait and see how long it takes my husband to notice. The kids just got over being sick and the vomit smell in the girls' room seems to be gone, or I've gotten used to it. So then I had to add all her bedding and half her toys to the laundry pile I was already trying to tackle. Of course, I dumped the almost full bottle of laundry soap on the laundry room floor. Luckily there was a lot of dirty clothing to sop it up with. This week's laundry smells insanely fresh! I spent all day yesterday folding laundry into organized piles on the living room floor only to find them all smooshed together (yeah, that's a word) in one big pile in the middle of the floor after my helpful six-year-old came home. So instead of being able to say, "Here is YOUR laundry, go put it away," I had to say, "well, there is some of your laundry, and there is some more over there, and there is a bit under your brother's pile... oh never mind, I will do it myself."
Ugh. How do other people do it?
Today I'm going to clean the kitchen. Only to have to turn around and make dinner and do it all over again after the kids come home. Does anyone else appreciate the utter futility in that? I would like to clean something and watch it stay clean. For at least a day. So I can move on to something else.
Looking for inspiration that doesn't come by the name of Flylady or Marie Kondo, I just ordered this book off of Amazon.
I look forward to it's unflinching, unapologetic motivational tips.
Now I have to go UnF*ck my kitchen. Or at the very least, my attitude.
