Not so random thought...

I've had a poor attitude this week.  Dwelling on the negative instead of embracing the positive.  However, after an uniterrupted solid 8 hours sleep in which my brain actually shut down and let me rest, I'm in  good head space today.  I'm up, I'm showered, I've put a load of laundry in and I'm about to tackle the breakfast dishes.  I feel like I've turned a bit of a corner.  For today, at least.

But here's what I'm thinking.

My forties haven't been stellar, so far.   And neither have the thirties or forties of some of my friends.  Or the fifties and sixties of some of my family.  A couple have gotten divorced.  One has seen her spouse incarcarated.  One is dealing with MS. Some are dealing with depression.  One is on dialysis waiting for someone else to die so that he has a shot at life.  And then there is the c-word.  Cancer.  I'm constantly amazed by how many of us are actually fighting for our lives.  There is actually a lot of cancer in my family and my community.  I keep meeting survivors.  And fighters.  And people that didn't make it as long as they would have liked.  And it's sobering but also inspiring.  But this week I've been focussed just on me.  I'm not often self-absorbed, but this was the week for me.  My pity party. I have incurable cancer.  I am fighting for my life.  And I'm determined to beat that diagnosis for as long as possible.

But why the hell should I have to?

We are all good people.  I surround myself with good people.  My friends and family are solid, lovely, good people.  We've tried to live lives that, while not perfect, are pretty decent.  We have good kids, supportive families, and solid friendships.   And life has spat on us. Or shat on us.  Whichever visual you prefer. And I can't help but wonder why.   Why me?  Why her?  Why him?   Whose ironic crap shoot dealt me this hand?  Why not someone else for a change?  Quit crapping on us, we're only so tough!

And then there are other people.  Colossally arrogant, abusive, racist, downright lousy people.  And they get to be in charge of the United States of America.  How about sending a little shower of crap their way instead.   Karma doesn't really seem to make sense right now.  Just a random thought...